Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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