My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
