Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
