it hurts more in the daytime
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
