he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
