She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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