I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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