well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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