Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
