Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
