you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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