drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize