i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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