The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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