Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
