Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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