is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
