I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
