my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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