Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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