upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
