Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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