so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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