I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
