If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
There are leaves in my underwear?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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