That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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