I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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