Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
