I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
