yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
