Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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