i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
