Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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