you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
