I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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