she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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