I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
