when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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