Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
