And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
