dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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