mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
