I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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