Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
