I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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