Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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