every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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