"it" just moved
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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