is your mom at the bar?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
