his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
