I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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