You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
