is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
