Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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