Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
