I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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