Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
