worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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