Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
