I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
